How a Mom Takes a Shower

by Heather on June 20, 2008 · 8 comments

A mother of young children cannot simply hop in the shower like a normal person.

No.

Every morning, after I get the children fed and dressed, I attempt to take a quick shower to wake me up, and for cleanliness purposes and all. You’d think this would be a simple thing, but alas, you would be wrong. Taking a shower requires a grand entrance into the living room–to get their attention–and a loud and forceful proclamation:

“I’M TAKING MY SHOWER NOW.”

What this really means is “Do not bother me for the next 15 minutes unless there is blood or fire or you’ll be grounded until you’re 35.”

Immediately, the children think of 25 things they need me to do for them first–they’re still hungry, they want more cereal, they can’t find the remote, they need drinks, Pumpkin is laying in their favorite spot and WON’T MOVE, blah, blah, blah. After I fill their requests, I attempt to sneak out of the room before they can think of anything else to ask me. When I hit the hallway, I start running. Yes, running. You see, time is of the essence. I have only about 5 minutes until they realize I’m gone. When I get to the bathroom, I shut the door, start the shower, fling off my clothes, and jump in without testing the water, which means that I will either be scalded or frost bitten.

When I was younger, before children, I had a wide variety of products in the shower–lovely scented shower gels, deep conditioning treatments, facial scrubs. Now, I have a bar of soap and some shampoo. I have no time to mess with all of that other stuff. I must simply scrub off the outer layer of grime and get the heck out!

I close my eyes and begin to shampoo my hair. When I open them again, a little face is peering at me through the ripply glass door. “Mommy! Take sowah!” shouts the face. I ignore it with single-minded determination. I AM going to take a shower today! I hear puttering and rummaging outside the door, and then…silence. Ahhh, she left! But wait, I hear the toilet lid open and shut. Again. Again, and again, and again. Cold fear clenches my heart. I nervously open the shower door, dripping wet, shampoo inching down the side of my face, perilously close to my eye, and inspect the bathroom. All seems normal, so I rinse off and step out, congratulating myself on making it all the way through with no catastrophes! A triumph indeed. Until I reach for a towel.

Apparently, Pumpkin enjoys sleeping in the linen cabinet, because the only towel left is covered with a fine layer of orange cat hair. Only I don’t realize this until I wipe my wet face with it and end up looking like I’ve turned into a werewolf overnight. Now I have to get back in the shower to rinse off the cat hair. Then I have to tiptoe, dripping wet, down the hall to the other bathroom, because I forgot to get more towels before I got back in the shower.

When Babycakes, who is very nearly weaned, sees me wearing nothing but a towel, she gets more excited than a teenage boy on a first date. She starts running down the hall after me, yelling enthusiastically, “Bubbies! Bubbies!” I frantically throw on some clothes, in the hope of distracting her, but sadly, it’s too late. She has already seen the bubbies. The damage is done.

When we finish nursing, I return to the bathroom to dry my soaking wet hair, and of course, Babycakes comes in to visit. “Potty, yucky!” she tells me emphatically, pointing to the still closed toilet lid. “Doan touch it!” Oh dear. What is she trying to tell me? I tentatively lift the lid, and there, nestled at the bottom of the toilet, is an entire collection of magnetic letters.

For me they spell FRUSTRATION, and GROSS!…and it’s only 8:30 in the morning.

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  • autumnesf

    Laughing. And laughing…. or maybe we should be crying??? Loved the pictures of your yard by the way. How I wish I had a mentor to teach me to grown veggies in a garden! But then what grows in broiling Texas?? Not sure!

    And now its off to try and get a shower…

  • MaE

    Oh my goodness so so funny… and yet sad to be able to relate except for the cat hair!!! I didn’t see that coming. I can only take a GOOD shower BEFORE my daughter wakes up. I know only too well that terrifing feeling once the shampoo is in your hair and you have to close your eyes for a few minutes. You made my day with a good laugh!!! Thanks again.

    MaE

  • Heather

    So funny! Very accurate description of how a shower can be. I usually take mine before BB wakes up in the morning, or when he is down for a nap. Otherwise, I stick him in his crib with some toys and books.

  • The Miles Family

    I sit here at my computer at 12:20 in the afternoon still in my pajamas with bed head hair and my glasses because I have yet to have the perfect opportunity to grab my 10 minute shower! :)
    I sympathize!

  • Kim

    You are a brave woman indeed…I’m still too chicken to take a shower once the kids are up. It’s been pre-dawn showers around here for the last year. I’m assuming it will be many years before all those pretty bottles of soap and lotion make a reappearance in my shower.

  • Bobbie-Jo

    Absolutely hilarious … in a sympathetic kind of way. Oh, I so intimately know the words you write!

  • Renata

    Just couldn’t stop laughing!! I try to shower when the kids are in bed, but if not I always have 2 sets of 2 year old eyes watching my every move!!
    Renata :)

  • MommyWizdom

    OMGosh, that is sooo funny and so true! I love the Bubbies part… I’ve been there!

    Thanks for sharing that great story!

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