My children have an unfortunate little quirk, which has made them famous in our family circle. My stepmother swears that my kids are the only ones who do this.
I sincerely hope she’s wrong.
What is this delightful and unique trait, you ask?
They poop in the bathtub.
Bee did it when she was a baby, and now Cakes is carrying on the fine, time-honored tradition. Every time we put her in that nice, warm, relaxing tub of water, she just lets ‘er rip!
My husband and I then have the big debate about who will go in and clean up the mess. It might go something like this:
DH: “It’s not my turn.”
ME: “Yes sir, I did it last time!”
DH: “I’ll give you a million dollars if you’ll do it.”
ME: “You don’t even have a million dollars.”
DH: “I might. You don’t know. Maybe I have secrets.”
ME: “Yeah right. *snort* You couldn’t keep a secret from me if you tried!”
DH: “What will you give me if I do it?”
ME: “What do you want?”
DH: *raises eyebrows*
ME: “Forget it!”
I’m sure you get the picture.
Now that Bee and Cakes take baths together, the tub-time pooping has become more problematic, largely because Bee is totally and completely grossed out by it. I don’t blame her. I mean really, who wouldn’t be, right? The thing is, she shrieks and screams and has hysterics, and pretty much scares the crap out of Cakesie (so to speak).
Poor little Cakes has been traumatized so severely by Bee’s melodrama, that she now refuses to get in the bathtub! If we even mention the word “bath,” she immediately starts bawling. She bawls while I undress her, and when I try to lower her into the water, she clings desperately to my neck and wails, “No Mommy! Zee poop! Zee poop again!”
When did she become French?
During her entire bath, I have to coax her to stay in the tub, while she tries to hitch one little leg over the side and escape. While I soap her up, I offer soothing commentary,
“No sweetie, the poopie is all gone! Mommy flushed it all down the potty! See? Zee poop went bye bye! Bye bye poop!”
After zee bath is over, Mommy goes to zee liquor cabinet and drinks zee vodka right out of zee bottle.
