This morning, I did something that should be insignificant, but is actually quite bold in our society.
I said NO MORE KID BIRTHDAY HOOPLA!
I even sent this e-mail to all of our friends and family:
“Good Morning Everyone!
Just a quick note to let you know that beginning with this year, we will no longer be having birthday parties for the girls.
Now that Bee is in school, she wants to have friends over for her birthday. Until Cakesie is old enough to have friends over, we would like to celebrate her birthday more simply, perhaps with outings to her favorite places, like the Children’s Museum, or Build-a-Bear.
Thank you for all of the time you’ve given to share the girls’ birthdays with us, and for the kindness and generosity you’ve shown to them. It means a lot to all of us.
Love,
DH and Heather”
This is something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but I never had the courage. I felt that I had set a precedent, because I had a big party for Bee when she turned one, and all of our friends and family were invited. So, when her second and third birthdays rolled around, I felt that I needed to have big parties again, because everyone was expecting them! When Bee turned four, I had to have TWO parties – one for her little preschool friends, and one for our family and friends. Last year was especially difficult, because the girls’ birthdays are only 10 days apart. We had Bee’s friend party on Saturday, and a friends and family party for both girls on Sunday.
It was just too much. By the time the weekend was over, I was so exhausted that I actually felt sick to my stomach.
It’s my opinion that kids’ birthday parties are simply out of control. When I was growing up, we had cake and a few presents, and I was allowed to have one or two friends over. Now, I hear stories of parties where kids are picked up in limousines, and ferried from one expensive activity to the next. They eat elaborate, expensive cake, and take home a pricey goody bag when they leave. I remember reading an article a couple of years ago, about parents who spent $38,000 on their kid’s birthday party.
I live in the Midwest, and I don’t routinely see this kind of ridiculous excess, but I do know someone who invited ALL of the kids in her son’s kindergarten class to his sixth birthday party. That’s excessive enough for me.
I think that parents continue to have these elaborate parties because they feel that they must measure up. They don’t want to look bad in their communities, and of course, they want their kids to fit in. The problem is, they have to keep topping their previous efforts, because their kids expect it, and they don’t want to disappoint them. Before they know it, their children’s birthdays become a source of stress and anxiety, instead of joy, because everyone has lost sight of the point.
William Doherty, a social science professor at the University of Minnesota, is trying to help parents get off the birthday party treadmill. Six years ago, he coined the term “overscheduled kids” and led a movement to have family nights at home. Now, he’s launching a similar campaign against over-the-top birthday parties. His web site, birthdayswithoutpressure.org, gives parents a forum for fellowship and discussion, and Professor Doherty hopes that it will help them band together to lower expectations and change social norms.
I made the decision to put an end to the kid birthday craziness, for the same reason that I limit my children’s activities – because children are not little adults, and they need limits. They need to learn that they can’t do everything and have everything. They need to learn the value of money, and more importantly, that there are so many things that are more important.
This year, Bee will have her Barbie party, but she’s only allowed to invite three friends. We’ll have her party here at home, with a couple of simple activities, and a scratch cake. For Cakesie’s 2nd birthday, we’re planning to take her out for pizza (her favorite), and I’m going to attempt to make a Teletubbies cake. We’re also planning to take both girls to Build-a-Bear Workshop. They’ve never been there, because frankly, I think it’s too expensive. They’ve always wanted to go, so this will be a special treat for them. I think that this is enough for Cakes, because she’s two. She’s happy no matter what we do.
I don’t expect that anyone will question our decision to end the birthday hoopla. I think that secretly, most people agree that kid birthdays are out of control, but no one knows what to do about it. If anyone does take issue with it, I will stand my ground. My children are precious gifts from God, and I want to enjoy their birthdays – not dread them.
