About 5 years ago, I read a book called “A Woman After God’s Own Heart.” The author, Elizabeth George, listed the biblical priorities of women in order, and the top three were as follows:
1) God (of course!)
2) Husband
3) Children
I remember thinking, “Now just hold on one cotton pickin’ minute! I think you got 2 and 3 mixed up!”
When I read this, I was a new, young mother, with my first baby. Like most new mothers, I was completely consumed with love for my baby, and totally overwhelmed by the demands of caring for her. I was learning the ropes of breastfeeding, coping with sleep deprivation, and suffering from a bit of postpartum depression. Time with my husband was not first on my list of priorities at that time. In fact, it was way at the bottom of a seemingly endless to-do list. What a change this was from the first year of our marriage!
The first time I ever saw my husband, I had a Hollywood movie kind of reaction. In other words, my mouth dropped open, I drooled all over myself, and every time I was around him, I acted like a silly 13-year-old girl with, like, a totally major crush.
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Before I met him, I used to scoff at the whole “chemistry” thing. I had never experienced it, so I didn’t believe in it.
I was wrong. Chemistry is very real.
My husband and I have serious chemistry. The first time he kissed my cheek, I felt an electric shock zip through my body, and my cheek felt like it was on fire. I could still feel his lip print an hour later. I swear it’s true.
The first year of our courtship can only be described as “whirlwind.” I was so in love with my husband that I could think of nothing else but him. I talked about him endlessly to everyone, and I couldn’t concentrate on my job, because I was too preoccupied with thoughts of him. When I was with him, I tried to memorize every detail of his face, so that I could recall it perfectly in my mind whenever I missed him. When I would see him walking up the street to my office, to pick me up after work, I would feel a little thrill of excitement. I wanted to be with him every minute, and when we were apart, we spent all of our time either on the phone, or e-mailing each other.
No wonder my husband was so upset after Bee was born! He went from being the center of my universe, to being just the guy who brought home the bacon and mowed the lawn. Bee and I were a party of two, and he was the odd man out.
My husband was very understanding at first, but when my neglect of him carried on for months, he confronted me with it. I will never forget his words, “What about me? I love you. I need you too.”
At first I was angry with him, because I thought that he was being selfish. After all, he was a grown man! Bee was just a tiny baby, and she depended on me for everything! However, as I’ve become more mature in my Christian faith, I’ve realized that my husband wasn’t selfish for missing me! I was completely ignoring him, and that’s not what God wants!
The Bible tells us in Genesis 2:23-24 that “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.’”
Oneness in marriage is God’s design. My husband and I are “one flesh,” and he must come before all others, including our children. Oneness is an attitude of the heart. I cannot be one with my husband if my heart is with our kids! I can still love my children deeply and take loving care of them, but I must do this without forsaking my husband for them.
The Bible also says, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)
I’m guilty of depriving my husband. I admit it. Most nights, I’m exhausted, and the kids have been hanging on me all day, and I’m all “touched out.” It’s easier for me to say, “not tonight honey,” and so I do. WAY too often. In doing this, I’m disobeying God, who wants me to share my body with my husband. Also, studies show that men feel closer to their wives, and are happier in their marriages, when they experience regular physical intimacy. I want my husband to be happy.
I recognize that this is an area that I will always struggle with. I’m very close to both of my daughters, and I still have a tendency to put their needs first, and my husband’s needs last. I really want to work on this though. After all, my feelings for my husband haven’t changed. If anything, my love for him has grown deeper and stronger with each passing year, and I still get butterflies in my stomach when he walks into the room. I’ve found greater happiness with him than I’ve ever known before, and I thank God for him every day. He’s still “The One.”
I just need to do a better job of showing him that.
