Tomorrow afternoon is our fertility clinic appointment. We have to drive for about three hours to the clinic, and hopefully my check-up will be fine, and we’ll be given the green light to proceed. If so, we’ll get our cycle scheduled, and pick up the meds before heading home.
I’m filled with anxiety, and probably won’t sleep much tonight. You would think that after going through this procedure three times it would be no big deal, but the problem is…I know what to expect. If only I could be blissfully ignorant, like I was the first time around. Of course, I almost died that time. I definitely don’t want to repeat that experience (new readers, see My In Vitro Fertilization Story).
If you asked me to describe IVF in one word, I would say “rollercoaster.” That’s what it is – a rollercoaster of emotions. I find that my mind flip-flops constantly from excitement and optimism to anxiety and fear. There are so many things to worry about…
My body will endure extreme stress from the drugs, and we will pay thousands of dollars, but there are no guarantees. We have one little embryo. Just one. And it’s been frozen for 7 years. Three days before the transfer, they will thaw it, but they may find that it’s not even viable anymore. Even if it is, the odds of a positive pregnancy test are slim.
We have chosen to go through this procedure one last time, because we believe that our last embryo is a child, and we have a moral and ethical responsibility to give it the best possible chance at life. We believe that this is what God wants, so we surrender to His will completely. If I don’t become pregnant, the embryo will be absorbed by my body. If I do become pregnant, I could have one baby, or the embryo could divide. If that happens, I could have twins, or triplets, or possibly more. There is no way to know, but whatever happens, I will accept that it’s God’s plan, and therefore it’s good.
I’m not going to lie…I’m scared. I’m also hopeful and worried and excited, and a million other things, all at the same time. Please pray for me. For all of us. Most of all, pray for that little embryo.
I would name it, but I’m already too attached.
I’ll post an update tomorrow, when we return. Thank you for always being here for me 
