Have you ever been so depressed that you couldn’t even pray?
For the last month, I’ve been feeling very down. When I try to determine a reason for my depression, there isn’t one thing that I can put my finger on. I think it may be due to a combination of things…lack of sleep, lack of sunlight, the harsh, bleak winter, boredom, worry, frustration.
I can recognize the fallout of my mood. Each day, I get up and feed and dress my children, but I’m just going through the motions. I tend to their needs, but the rest of my chores remain undone. My appearance is neglected. I rarely leave the house. Sleep becomes a refuge from life. My Bible remains closed.
The worst part is that I feel so far from God. My mind is a cluttered mess of fears and worries and complaints, and when I try to pray, I can’t even form a coherent thought. Most of the time I just sit with my head in my hands. Sometimes I implore, “What is WRONG with me!” which is not so much a prayer, but a cry of frustration.
For several years, I attended Bible Study Fellowship. During one of the lectures, our teaching leader said that the soul is like a door. We can keep it firmly shut and not let the Holy Spirit in at all, or we can fling it open and allow Him to fill us completely. Or, we can open the inner door, but leave the screen door shut. This lets the Spirit filter in, but we can still keep a part of our soul closed to Him.
Right now, it feels like I’m talking to God through a screen door. I can see Him, but His face is blurry. He’s right there on the other side, and I want so much to talk to Him, but I just don’t know what to say. I know that He is what I need, and all I have to do is open the door and let Him in, but I feel numb, and my hands are frozen at my sides.
During times of weakness, the Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit can guide, inspire, and strengthen us. If need be, he can even pray through us,
“the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26-27)
Whenever I read this passage, I think of the Aaron Shust song, “Give Me Words to Speak”
I’m praying that the Holy Spirit will give me words to speak, because I can’t think of anything worth saying.
I’m at a loss for words. Me.
I bet you never thought that would happen.
