This is what I tell myself every morning. It’s not always true, but I find that I need to think positively, or I’ll start crying.
On Friday, I think I might have hit bottom. We were out of pretty much everything, so while Bee was at Cole’s house, I took Cakes to Wal-Mart. She ate “chee-chee-cheese” (her word for mac and cheese), and I had a piece of chicken from the deli. Afterward we trailed around getting groceries, and I started feeling really sick. By the time we got through check-out, I was sweating and dizzy. On the way home, I called my husband, and I was trying to tell him that I felt really bad, and suddenly I just knew that I was going to throw up. I yelled, “I have to pull over!” and threw the phone down. I pulled the car to the curb, jumped out (leaving my door open), ran around, and threw up in the grass in front of a furniture restoration business. The whole time, Cakes was yelling, “Oh no Mommy! Are you havin’ to frow up AGAIN?”
By the time I got home, I was weak and shaky and could barely put one foot in front of the other. My husband met me at the door, and took Cakes to her room for nap. I got a drink of water and laid down on our bed, and my sweet husband, who felt so awful for me, tucked me in and told me to try to get some rest. I couldn’t sleep because I’d barely eaten anything, and what I did eat didn’t stay down. My head was pounding, and my whole body was shaking.
It was not good times, I can tell you that.
The weekend wasn’t much better. Last night I was having fantasies about going to the hospital and getting an IV drip of Phenergan, because I knew that it would knock me out and I wouldn’t have to be miserable anymore. This Thursday we have another visit with our midwife, and unless things start to drastically improve this week, I’m going to ask her to please give me something that will make it better.
Today I’m going to get Bee to swimming lessons, and try to get the kitchen in order, but I’m keeping my expectations very low. I really hope that tomorrow, I’ll be able to report to you that yes, things actually were better.
